I’m crying writing this one…

Today I’m going to tell you about the Liquid Love of the Creator.

Growing up in church, I thought God hated me… so I ended up hating myself.

The image of God that was portrayed to me was like a cosmic drill sergeant, just waiting for me to fail. This, combined with the church’s attitude and judgment toward gay people, left me feeling condemned.

I just couldn’t comprehend that God loved me. I kept thinking, “How can God love me if I’m gay and it’s wrong to be?“

Yet, despite all of this, I still tried to follow Him.

Broken Preacher

As a kid, I wanted to be a preacher and I actually reached that goal.

Starting at around 20 years old, I would get up on stage and perform, telling people about the love of Jesus while feeling rejected by Him. I shared my “testimony” without truly believing I was loved.

I put on an image.

Deep down, I thought God would only accept me if I was “good enough”—I had a slave mentality instead of believing I was His son. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake thinking that God hated me because I was gay and didn’t want to be a man.

The inner torment grew and eventually, the pain became too much, and I left the faith altogether.

I’ll share more about that in a bit.

Earlier Encounters

Let me take you back to before I became a preacher.

God gave me multiple encounters with His love. I can only describe it as liquid love being poured into my heart.

One time, at a concert in 2016, I heard the Father speak to me:

“Sit down, son. I want to talk with you.”

I argued with God, but eventually, I sat down and listened. His presence came upon me, and He started pouring His love into me.

Then He said:

“Son, you’re gay. You’re still My son, and I love you.”

I broke down in bitter tears. I argued, “How can You love me if the Bible says this is wrong? This doesn’t make sense!“

But He just repeated Himself, continuing to pour His love into me.

This moment started a much-needed process of wrestling with my sexuality and identity.

It was excruciating. Growing up in church, I learned to lie, to put on a show for people. I learned to bury my struggles instead of bringing them into the light. But God didn’t lead me to lie, instead, He brought me out of denial and began a long process of healing.

And this wasn’t the only time I experienced God’s liquid love. It happened over and over again.

For example, one evening, I was struggling to believe God loved me because of my sexuality. I sat on a couch and yelled at Him, saying I hated Him. Then, His presence came upon me again, pouring His love into my heart, saying:

“I know you. You’re My son, and I love you.”

These encounters kept happening. Yet despite all of them, I still felt hated by God.

Fast Forward

Now, let’s go back to when I decided to leave Christianity altogether when I was a preacher.

I became a closet atheist, chalking up all my experiences to “religious psychosis.” I convinced myself that I had made everything up because I so badly needed to believe in it.

At the time, I thought:

• If God is real, why is the Church so divided? Seems like man-made religion to me.
• Why would You create me gay, then hold me responsible and send me to hell?
• How come You never took away my desires?

And so many more questions.

But at one point, I decided to give Christianity one last try. A friend invited me to a childhood church, and despite my unbelief, I went.

I gave it my all. I prayed like the prophets did, spending most of my days seeking God.

And at church, I had moments where we sang worship songs, and the Holy Spirit came upon me, pouring His love into my heart.

For a short time, I believed again. I was high off the experience, got baptized, and told people that God loved me.

But it didn’t last long.

That summer, while at a Christian camp, I laid in a bed and realized:
I don’t actually believe in God.

And once again, I returned to Atheism, chalking up my experiences to more “religious psychosis.”

New Pursuit

This time, I felt free.

I thought, If God isn’t real, why am I holding myself back from pursuing a boyfriend?

I told my LGBTQ+ friends what was going on with me. I started talking to someone I was interested in. I also started doing edibles again.

But here’s the problem… Jesus didn’t let me go for long.

I began having encounters with the Holy Spirit while high… and once again, He poured His love into my heart and said:

“Son, this isn’t who you are. I have more for you.”

It freaked me out. I thought, “Uh oh. I’ve done too many edibles.“
And it kept happening.

Then, God sent a prophet to tell me, “Jesus is going to visit you in a dream or vision of the night.”

Eventually, I felt bad about the way I was living. I called a friend; someone I thought, “If anyone knows God, it’s him.“

He invited me to spend the weekend at his place.

I went without any edibles and with a heart ready to give God one last chance to prove He was real.

That weekend, we worshiped together, and once again, the Holy Spirit poured His love into me.

The Moment I was Reborn

On Sunday morning at my friends place, I woke up early but decided to go back to sleep.

As I pulled my blanket over my face and let it fall, I saw Him.

Jesus stood to my left.

He was beautiful, radiating bronze. His eyes burned with intense love and jealousy… the kind of look that said, “I am your Creator, and I won’t let you settle for less than what I made you for. I love you.“

That moment changed me in ways I didn’t realize until later on.

⚠️ WARNING: This Next Section Will Be R-rated Content. ⚠️

After this encounter, I tried running from God because I remembered many people telling me growing up that God had a big plan for my life and that freaked me out.

I went back to edibles. But here’s the problem…

When I saw Jesus, two things instantly changed:

1. I went from loving drugs to hating them.
2. I was no longer attracted to men. (To be clear: I’m still not attracted to women.)

So, despite running, I couldn’t get the encounter out of my head.

And for probably about 6 months, I had been self-harming my private area because I hated my gender.

I was bleeding, in pain.

But on December 1st, in the middle of my sin, Jesus physically healed me.

Without me asking. Without me seeking it.

I went from intense pain to suddenly realizing all the cuts and bleeding were gone. I was completely healed.

Then He spoke:

“I just touched and healed you where you hate yourself the most.”

I wept… this was so pure and brought deep healing because Jesus is my Creator.
And afterwards, the Holy Spirit poured His liquid love into me.

Closing

If you’re reading this and want to experience God like I have, you can.

Jesus made a way for us to know Him.

There’s this thing called sin and it separates us from God, it’s failing to follow His commandments which are all about love; loving God, people and yourself the way God defines love.

All of us are guilty of sin, including me.

But the good news?

Jesus took the penalty of sin upon Himself. He died on the cross, rose from the dead, and defeated the powers of sin, death, and darkness.

When you put your trust in Him, He will supernaturally cause you to be reborn and fill you with His Holy Spirit. You’ll know God for real.

He didn’t die so we would try harder to earn love.

He died so we could experience and know Him in a real relationship.

Anyways, if you want to know God, I have a prayer that can help get you started. Know that it’s not the prayer itself that saves you, rather, it’s Jesus whom you’re placing your trust in:

“King Jesus, I want to know and experience You. I believe You died for my sins and rose again. I trust in You to forgive me of all my sins and cause me to be reborn because of what you did for me on the cross. I give my entire life to You; my gifts, my abilities, my past, my future. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and teach me to hear Your voice. Amen.”

If you prayed that prayer, know that you’ve begun a journey of getting to know God.

I encourage you to join one of our groups and also check out our resources so you can grow in your friendship with Jesus.

Reach out if you need someone to walk with you in your new faith journey.

Ps. Here’s a video of my testimony if you want to hear it: