I want to be real with you.

I recently went to visit a religious group I consider a Christian cult because I wanted to share my faith. I had some good conversations, shared some of my story, and left…

Angry at God.

That visit stirred up some deep and ugly things in me, and I think it’s time to talk about them.

A Little Context

For you to understand where I’m coming from, I need to fill you in on my story.

Long story short:

• I used to be a preacher.
• I left Christianity and became an Atheist.
• Jesus appeared to me and physically healed me. (Yes, really.)
• I’m not who I used to be. God’s been transforming me ever since through encounters with Him and I’ve seen miracles happen through me.

But even with all that, my journey’s been far from simple.

One of the reasons I originally left Christianity was because, from where I stood, it seemed completely illogical.

You see… our world has many different religions, and even within Christianity, there’s so much division, so many denominations, so many conflicting beliefs. It felt like a mess no loving, all-powerful God would allow.

And the God of the Bible holds you accountable for what you believe and where you place your faith. If you get it wrong, the consequence is eternal. (Hell. Which I’ve also experienced)

So, when I was an atheist I thought things like:

• “If the Christian God is real, He must be cruel and unfair.”
• “If the Holy Spirit really leads people into truth, why is the Church so divided and chaotic?”
• “No loving God would create a world with so much suffering and then judge us for acting on the brokenness we’re born into.”
• “Why does faith even have to be a thing? If God wants a relationship with us, why not just reveal Himself clearly to everyone?”

These weren’t just questions. They were accusations born out of pain and intellectual struggles.

And they pushed me away from God.

My Current Struggle

So anyways… let’s talk about where I’m at now.

To be real, I still struggle with some of the same questions that I did when I was an atheist.

And they’ve gotten worse in some ways.

Why?

Because I can’t stop thinking about the people around me. There’s so many different stories, backgrounds, belief systems, and yet, every single person will stand before Jesus one day to be judged.

These thoughts haunted me when I visited the religious group I mentioned earlier. These people were kind, down to earth and seemed serious about their faith but unfortunately…

Many of them won’t make it to Heaven.

That’s a reality I can’t just brush off. I’ve seen too much.

Despite my encounters with God, I still wrestle with thoughts like:

• “How could a God of love send people to hell when so many never get a fair shot at finding the truth?”
• “What about those who’ve been traumatized, indoctrinated, or crippled by mental health struggles? What about those deceived by false teaching or trapped by their circumstances?”
• “If God is sovereign (meaning that He’s in control of everything), then how much free will do we really have? And how is it fair that He still judges us?”

These aren’t just intellectual questions for me. They’re the root of a deep, seething, broken anger. And I know I’m not alone with these types of questions.

Even after seeing Jesus… even after feeling His presence in ways that have shattered and remade me…

I still wrestle.

And what cuts really deep is this: Why do I get these encounters when so many others are left in the dark?

• Why does God reveal Himself so clearly to some and not to others?
• How can it be fair that faith determines eternity when some people’s starting point makes faith nearly impossible?

From a logical perspective, it can all feel arbitrary. God created the system, and we’re just creatures bound to it.

And because the stakes are eternal… It’s all overwhelming to grapple with.

Honest Ending

My heart is wrecked. I simultaneously wrestle with God, yet am developing an agonizing brokenness for people who don’t know Him. Those who are still lost, still searching.

I don’t have neat answers for any of this.

But I do know this: Even in my struggle, I’m still accountable to obey what God’s called me to do.

Sometimes, I feel like a pawn. Other times, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude that He chose me.

It’s messy. I’m messy. But through all of this, one thing remains true: God is still love.

It’s a mystery that I wrestle with daily.

Despite my struggles, I’ve experienced His love firsthand. It’s real. It’s transformative. And it’s for you, too.

Jesus loves you. He paid the price for your sin (the thing that separates us from God), and He made a way for you to be restored.

All you have to do is trust Him. Trust Him to forgive you, to heal you, and to bring you into relationship with Himself.

If you want to grow in your friendship with God, we’ve got resources to help.

Knowing Him is worth it.